INTRO
Hey everyone. Welcome to the Healing Everyday Podcast, stories and conversations to inspire you to be in the driver's seat of your life. Buckle up.
VICTOR
Hey everyone. Welcome to the Healing Everyday Podcast. My name is Victor,
DEANNA
And I'm Deanna.
VICTOR
How are you, Deanna?
DEANNA
I'm so sweaty. It is so hot. I finally convinced, uh, Matt, if you're new here, my husband, to turn on the ac and I'm so thankful. , I grew up without air conditioning and having it now as an adult. Uh, it's like having hot showers. I'll never get used to it. It'll be always be the best. But our AC is on. I was sweaty all day. Um, being pregnant and outside right now is so gross. So anyway, that's what's going on with me. What's going on with you? Yeah,
VICTOR
No. Um, just had a, um, a double header with my son today. He plays 15 U baseball. And, uh, it was somewhat of a, it was good moments and some frustrating moments, but that's kind of what life is, right? It's where there's some good moments and not such good moments in life. And, uh, that's kind of my day today. Um, interestingly, you know, we talk on this podcast about healing every day. And, um, we also have another, for those of you that don't know, we have a little, like a smaller podcast called Catch the Message, where we really talk about experiences we have in our, in our work. And again, for those of you that are just joining us, uh, Deanna and I have the privilege of going into schools and talking to children and adults, um, about, uh, overall about body safety, uh, specifically sexual abuse, awareness and prevention.
And we've both shared our stories and we, we, we just really have an amazing time doing this. It's, it helps us, it helps us heal. It helped, for me anyway, I, I speak for, I can only speak for myself that, um, you know, it's been a long journey, but what I do was a calling that, you know, to, to get up in front of an audience and, and to not even, it was even before talking about my surviving sexual abuse as a child. It was just about helping kids to believe in themselves and to never give up and, and to have the courage to, to try new things and to step outside their comfort zones. And, and, uh, cuz again, at the end of the day, life to me, and I think to everyone, it's, it's, it's really short. I mean, um, I'm dealing with some things in my family.
My sister's very ill right now, and it's, it's tough. It's, it's really, really hard. And so I get the privilege and the honor to just maybe be a little light for, for children, little children, kindergartners, all the way up to big children, high school, college, uh, adults. And what I thought we'd do today is I thought we would, um, really kind of dive into the whole courage behind what, you know, behind healing every day is, takes courage. And I think, um, we hear a lot of stories from a lot of people. They've reached out to us, kids, adults, telling us their stories and how they've had to overcome, uh, adversity in their life. But I, I know Deanna recently you shared with me something that you received. I'd love for you to kind of do the Cliff Notes version, and maybe we can talk about that from different, uh, perspectives. I know I'm talking a lot right now, but I'm just trying to set it up today for what we wanna talk about.
DEANNA
We're literally on a podcast, you're supposed to talk a lot. So , I do that too. Like, I'll be in like the survivor support group that I help run. Um, and I'll be like, oh, well, that, that's too much talking at this point. I guess I'll move on. And it's a great reminder that it's okay to take up space, right? And that's why we're here. So anyway, just wanna make sure I told you that. So, yeah, I, okay. Because of the social media presence, I have, namely on TikTok, I, uh, you know, I get, I get a lot of messages, and if I get a message from someone who is of adult age, I have no problem corresponding with them. They, they are, there's no, um, law or, or ethical reason why I can't correspond with an adult, right? However, sometimes I'll get minors that reach out to me, and I, uh, my boundary is, you know, I can't set rules on other people.
Like I, I could say no, minors are allowed to message me, but that's not how boundaries work, boundaries are for us, right? So even if I put that out there, it doesn't mean people are gonna follow it. So my boundary is, is if a minor, someone under the age of 18 sends me a message, um, I don't correspond privately. Now, if there's something that I'm able to report, if, if I'm given enough information, a hundred percent, I'll do it. I've made so many, you know, uh, in our state, the reporting agency is D C F S, but a lot of the time if I get a message from someone who shares that they're a minor, but it's an anonymous account, it's blank. There's no identifying information. I just have the information. There's nothing I can do with it. But some of these messages that I get, um, are very profound.
And, uh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna read it, but I'm gonna edit it as I'm reading it. And it's, it's just such a, a powerful message that I got. So it said, um, Hey Deanna, um, I've been following you for a really long time on my other account, and I wanted to say thank you for all you do. Uh, I appreciate the kind of work that you do, and you've helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life. I was, uh, raped by my father, and I was too scared to tell the police. I came across your page about a year ago. You helped me to not be afraid. Yesterday was the first day I testified against him. So I wanted to say thank you. And, uh, you know, at any time a survivor shares with us, it is so bittersweet, right? It's, it's, oh my gosh, I can't believe they went through this.
But I understand the statistics and how common it is. And, and it's also a feeling of, of feeling amazing that we have, you know, created a spark that this person, you know, they've always had something within them, and we've just given an opportunity, right? Uh, and, and it's, it's, it's very much so that same mix of emotions when, when I read this and I immediately, you know, screenshot it and sent it to Victor, and I told him just how much it means to me to have someone share a story. So there's that level of it, right? And then there's also the level that, that this person, uh, was abused by their dad. And, uh, I, I don't wanna say that that's the most common type of assault because it's not, or the most common type of abuse, but most often it is by someone we know and trust.
And then to hear that it was someone who has a story so similar to mine, um, it's, it's an honor that not only have they connected and, and found their voice, but then they went this extra step to share with me that I was in some way a part of that journey. And, and that is such a good reminder of why we do this work. It's not about us. It's not about what we feel or, or that it's helping us heal. But it's a really awesome side effect. And I mean, I get, I get messages like this all the time. Um, again, um, sometimes from minors, most often the time it's from other adults. But this is just a piece of what we do, right? This was from my online advocates advocacy, I call it. But when we go into schools, I mean, the kids that come up to us and share not just about sexual abuse, but about physical abuse, emotional abuse or, or bullying or harassment, I mean, and then that's what that whole other podcast that we have is, it about, is about kids who, as Victor, it's one of his like catchphrases to catch the message.
And it doesn't matter what age you are, it doesn't matter when you have begun your healing journey, people are catching the message with us. And it's an honor to be a part of that, to be who we needed when we were kids.
VICTOR
Yeah. Yeah. I, that's amazing. And I, I think the courage it takes for someone to, to, um, to share that with somebody, to type it out and to send it to me, that creates a sense of, of, of healing for that individual just to be able to share it. I mean, think about it for me, when I first, um, I call it privately raising my hand. I was in college and I called home. I had no clue who was gonna answer the phone. I had no clue what I was going to say. I just knew what I was doing was the right thing. And that, the very fact that I picked up the phone to say, I can't keep this in inside anymore. That was the beginning of what, where I'm today. Cause if I never did that, first of all, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing today.
I would've gone into, you know, I went to school for graphic design, nothing against graphic design, but I, I, I, I would've probably been doing that. And, and, and that's, that's a great thing. But something sparked for me the day that I called home and my, my sister Renee answered the phone. And that in itself, and, and again, I always tell this to kids too, you don't have to know what to say. The fact that you picked up the phone or you, you wrote that note, or you said, Hey, I need to talk to you. You, you don't have a plan, and that's okay. But the fact that you're making that call, and I didn't know what I was gonna say. And the fact that she understood that I was on very, she was very aware and she understood that I was quiet, my voice was quiet.
I started having tears on my eyes, and all of a sudden she started asking me questions. At that moment was when everything started to shift in my life, because I was finally, and I know I say this a million times, I was finally being heard, and I'm very fortunate I wasn't questioned, okay. And I was believed right away. So I'm very, very fortunate. Um, but I think part of our, our lives and, and, and what we call healing every day is really having, taking that first step. And that first step is different for everybody. But I, I think ultimately when, when we've all, you know, if you've gone through something that you're still holding onto, no matter what it is, I think that first step is, is to be able to, to share it somehow, you know, just to, to, especially if you're, if you're really having trouble with it, right? Is that you wanna share, you wanna talk to somebody, you want to privately raise your hand. And, and something that I found to be very, um, meaningful when you sent that to me, um, I, and I know you say, uh, uh, you know, parents, fathers, uh, it's not a common abuser, right? Well, it's,
DEANNA
It's, I hate to say that it's common, right? But it's not uncommon, right? Like, again, I wanna be very careful and not paint 'em all like that. But it is very common for it to be someone we know, love, trust, and family, right?
VICTOR
To me, and this is for me, for my family, my life, the father, the mother, and the father of a family. That's how I was raised. You know, like they're, they're there to protect you, right? That, that's, you know, I, I'm there to protect my kids as best as I can, you know, um, giving them the, the freedom and the independence and all that. But you wanna protect them. But to hear that a father would do this to a child and now she's going to court and testifying, and, and I know you have a lot to say about that, cuz you've experienced that. I, I think that is like, it, it, it, I've heard your story a million times and it still breaks my heart every time I hear it because we all have, we all grew up with someone that we can call a, a, a parent. Whether it's just a, you know, not just, but a father or if you had just, you know, a mom or if you had both, uh, or whatever the case is, it's, it's really an extra, like, for me, it was a friend of the family, uh, their son. Not that that negates it or makes it any less me, you know, meaningful from my perspective. But just to hear that a parent does this to a child, uh, is very, very, uh, sad to me. And it always will be
DEANNA
It. And it is, and again, you, you're absolutely right. It, it doesn't matter who inflicted the harm, right? The way you were abused by that person has impacted you the same way my abuse has impacted me, even though the person wasn't a family member. But there is, um, it's like an onion, right? There's so many layers to abuse and trauma and it, and it, and it does, it, it provides another layer and, and another opportunity to mistrust all the people around us, right? You know, and, and yeah. When, whenever it's, whenever it's a, um, a caregiver, a parent, a foster parent, uh, some sort of caregiver and a child discloses to me, and a lot of the time for both of us, it is right. Um, it, it's cause it causes me to really have to tap into the skills I've learned, um, in therapy and in work, which means to remain neutral.
It's not about me. And not to completely compartmentalize my feelings and my emotional reaction, but to set it aside until it's a safe time for me and all parties involved to really feel what I'm feeling. And a lot of the time, for me, it's at the end of the day after I've gotten into my car, um, it's one of the best re or one of my favorite reasons why you and I talk just about every day after programs, because I can, I like a shammy cloth, right? Like I can you, you soak it up and help with that. Because as much as my family loves me and supports the work that I do, they don't have that same ability to take all that on like you and I do. You know? That's why it's so great to have a community, um, and our community is growing in our work to have people to, to share that with and bounce that off of. And, and it is, it is, it's all abhorrent. But it's, it's especially disappointing to hear that it's a family member, someone that should be loving and trust. I mean, I'm a mom, you're a dad, you just said you wanna be that person. And every day I ask myself, how can I be a better parent? What can I work on? And I don't think my parents ever asked themselves that, you know, I don't think they ever did. Right. They probably never will.
VICTOR
Yeah. And, and on a side note, it's great because we're both breaking the cycle of the way our parents, and again, I, for me, my, my mom was the glue to our family. And I, I love my mom with all my heart. She was a great mom. She was a very quiet mom. Um, you know, I, I, I don't think, you know, they didn't grow up thinking like that. Like, how can I be a better parent? You know? They were just doing what they thought they were doing what, you know, given the circumstances of their lives. But it, it brings me back to this, and I, I wanna kinda get on the track of don't you find that it's important? Here's a strategy. I mean, if no, and again, we are not therapists, so, but we, we, we are, I think we're people that take action.
We wanna improve with our lives. So like, one thing that I did when I was 19 is I talked, I ta I did go to end up going to a therapist for a long time. And, and I'll never forget what she said to me. She said, Victor, you are here today, um, to talk to me, but know this. You do not have to tell me what actually happened to you that day. The fact that it happened is why we're here. And that has always stayed with me. So what I'm trying to say right now is just, again, it's different for everybody, but for you and I talking it out is really helpful in the healing process. Like, every day I think we go through our lives, we work, we do, we do what we can, but there's always a sense of, um, you know, there might be issues that happen throughout a day.
Like, we're at a school, things happen, we get frustrated. Uh, maybe even angry sometimes. Um, but a lot of times we're very happy and we're very like, oh my, and well, for me, I always end the day with, oh my God, that was a great day, no matter what little thing happened. But talking to you and knowing that you've, you've been at a school that day, uh, is, is really in your words, therapeutic in the sense that I'm able to share. And you're able to, to totally empathize with me and totally put yourself in my shoes and the shammy cloth. So I think, again, what I'm trying to say is, is that this is all about healing. This is just talking it out. Whatever that is for you, you know, it could be anything we've talked about, different outlets, writing, music, drawing, whatever it is, uh, you know, having a garden, whatever it is for you to help yourself heal. But just having a conversation with somebody that you trust. Someone who isn't gonna give you, like, interrupt you and give you advice. Someone, uh,
DEANNA
I could spend forever on unsolicited advice.
VICTOR
Yeah. Someone who's going to listen to you and, and not, you know, give you advice if you ask for it. Like, the one thing I I, I really value about our friendship, aside from us working together, is I can call you about things that are very personal and you are not ready to be like, okay, here's the answer. Do you wanna know what you should do? You've never, ever, ever done that. And that's why I keep com coming back for talking. Cause you're easy to talk to. It's
DEANNA
My well is always full for our friendship. Keep drinking that Well water man
VICTOR
Mean, you know, everyone listening right now, you're probably like, oh my god, these guys. But it's, it's legitimate, right? Like this is all part of, of life. It's about, uh, relationship. It's about, you know, uh, being able to have, uh, a friend that you can share things with and, and, and get their their advice. Cause I do value your opinion on a lot of things. And yeah, I I just think this is all part of the process. And I know I'm kind of going off on a tangent, but kind of not because that person who wrote that to you, it's all about expressing inside because Yes, yes. What would happen if, you know, I mean, she might have been okay if she didn't share that with you, but the fact that she's going to court and she was, had the courage to talk to you about it, that's really extremely awesome. You know?
DEANNA
It is. And you know, for, for me, I think part of it is yes, whether it's finding your voice with a therapist, if you are heard in the criminal justice system and it actually goes to trial, you can testify. Or if it's sharing with someone that might open your message and may never respond, but just knowing that someone else heard you can make a huge difference. Before I can't, uh, not before, shortly after I came out as a survivor all the way back in 2012, um, I became obsessed with, and I do being obsessed with reading, um, biographies and memoirs of people who survive from sexual abuse. We're currently in our nesting phase in our house. And Victor, I am not kidding when I tell you I have 700 books in my house. It is, that's like, not . That's like not even counting children's books.
And I have a lot of children's books, and we could get into that another time about why I have so many children's books. But anyway, um, a lot of them, so many of them are either educational or about, uh, educational, about family trauma are, uh, you know, deep dives into things on, you know, inter uh, interpersonal relationships and violence and, and healing. But the majority of them are sexual abuse related. And, uh, you know, I, I've made the joke to my husband like, Hey, if you ever really wanna know what goes on in the world, like pick one of those up and it's a hard pass for him. But I would read those and then I would find the author's page on Facebook or another form of social media and I would send a message. And I never expected, uh, a response back because I, I realized they probably get thousands of messages just like I do now.
And I would send 'em a message and just say, you know, this line in the book really stuck with me. I think one book was called Scarred. And, and the main character was Cassie. And she was sexually abused by what she thought was her mom's friend I, if I'm remembering correctly, but it was actually her biological father. Wow. And, um, it, it, it rocked me to my core and there were so many things that she said, and I was like, I feel compelled to send her a message I felt compelled to send. There was a book of short stories, um, called, I think maybe I don't remember what it was called, but I can put it in the notes if we want to, cuz it's literally right here. Cuz I'm going through my stuff. And there was one woman who talked specifically about sexual assault, not sexual abuse, but the things that she said.
I was like, wow, I feel compelled to send her a message. I've never gotten a response. But that's not what I needed. What I needed was just to, to put it out there that these people are making a difference by telling their story, even if they're not public speakers like us. You know, and, and to me, you know, this, this person sending this message to me, um, specifically this one person, this these last couple of days, um, just reinforces why we're doing this. Yes, it's great for us, but really is it, is it about us? No, it's not. It's, it's about giving that opportunity to other people to start their healing journey, continue their healing journey, find a new path, whatever it is. And again, I've said it before, it is an honor to do these things, right? And, and, um, I don't think everybody would want to do what we do, um, because it is emotionally taxing and you do, I I think you do need a really good support system to do this kind of work. I think it would be very, very difficult to, to open up your own trauma wound and, and not have a solid system to pick you up when you feel down, you know? But it, it's to me, um, one of the most important parts of my life. Not just the work part of it, but the helping others. Totally.
VICTOR
Yeah. I a hundred percent agree. Um, but you know, I have to say too though, it's not about us, right? What we do, you know, I always say this, I think we open doors for, for kids. Yeah. They have to take the action to walk through it. Just
DEANNA
Like we can't force them. We can't do that. And that would be inappropriate for us to try and force people into something. Right? Well, but you're right, we do provide opportunity.
VICTOR
I mean, I've been on the other end of that where I've had doors open for me and I had to take the action to walk through. And is it scary sometimes? Yes. Um, again, I guess the theme today is courage. It takes courage to get up and to go through, um, because you are stepping outside your comfort zones. Um, I, uh, just recently side note, uh, my son Luca is starting to play the guitar and I'm taking him for lessons and he's actually, I think, really, really into it. And what's interesting to me is I've had in the back of my head for about 10 years now, I've been wanting to learn the guitar and I never have done it. Why? I'm afraid, I'm afraid, first of all, I have to put aside time to practice. Um, I feel like I'm so busy. Um, I also, I'm afraid that it looks like a foreign, it's like a foreign language to me.
Like, you know, when I learned a foreign language in high school, it's really difficult back then. And if you don't use it, you lose it. So I look at this guitar and the, and, and it's funny cuz we're right there. The, the teacher said, I can teach you three, four chords. You can play hundreds of songs. And I'm like, you make it sound so easy. He's like, well, you put in, you get what you put in. So if there's something you wanna do, just let me know. So that's kind of like a door opening. And I think it's, it's funny cuz it's taken my son who's 13 to start plucking the guitar. Like, wow, I'm kind of interested in this again. So I think today's theme is about being inspired. I'm definitely inspired by this, this message you received. Um, because again, going through what this person went through and testifying and, and having to be, I've never had to be in a court situation like that. Uh, I can't imagine. And so I, I I I tip my cap to this person and, and say, thank you for sharing with us, because that's what I think this is all about. Everything that we do.
DEANNA
Uh, I have an idea for another podcast, um, and I'm gonna put it out there. I'm looking through, like, as we're chit-chatting, I'm looking through all of our, our episodes, by the way. We have, uh, 40 something episodes. Um, but I'm looking through all the way back to the beginning and we tell our story, my story, um, I talk about the trial, and we may have glossed over this before about when we actually decided to tell, but I think that's actually a really good podcast to do about when we both made the, that, that leap of faith to first tell someone. Um, and for me, I, I would not wanna talk about, I mean, I've talked about my mom before, but to me that wasn't, that's not when I received help. I would wanna talk about when I was 20, right. And I, when I like, was terrified to make the leap and, and tell someone and how that looked and kind of do a deep dive on that.
Um, and, and then, you know, obvi, I obviously, I know how you told and I, again, I think we've touched on it vaguely, um, or, or just a little bit in each of our stories. But I think coming back to it, um, and then giving our listeners an opportunity to think about if they haven't shared with anyone, maybe they never want to, um, or if they have shared, if they have done something like that to kind of reflect on it and really give themselves a pat on the back for making that leap. So I, I request that we, that we do a podcast, um, and we both share, uh, how, how we were able to do that.
VICTOR
Yeah, I think that's a great idea. And I think we can, that could be our next one. Cool. Um, yeah, you know, again, we sometimes, if we can be honest, we'll, we'll, we'll, you know, we do plan out some of our stuff, but sometimes we just come right on and say, you know, what is resonating with us today? And we'll just start talking. And I think that's what's so great about this podcast, especially, um, you know, being complimented that we have a very easygoing podcast and, uh, you know what I mean? So that's very cool. Um, yeah. I I think that's a great place to stop.
DEANNA
Yeah.
VICTOR
Yeah. Let's, let's stop here. Um, everyone, thank you for taking the time to listen today. I know I was kind of all over the place, but I think it made sense. Mm-hmm. . Um, please share this with your family and friends. Um, go to our website, um, if you know any schools that are looking to empower their kids, um, again, specifically we do a variety of things, but specifically fulfilling the Aaron's law mandate, uh, which is a sexual abuse awareness and prevention mandate. Feel free to share that. Our website is childhood victories.com and, uh, that's it. So until next time, um, I want you to be present, be playful, and be powerful,
DEANNA
And be happy. Be healthy. Be safe.
VICTOR
Bye.
