VICTOR
Welcome to the Healing Everyday Podcast. My name is Victor,
DEANNA
And I'm Deanna.
VICTOR
Hi, Deanna. How are you today?
DEANNA
So good. I, I feel like I talk about pregnancy every time now. Sorry about that, everybody. But it's going really well. Everything's going good. I'm feeling good. Much more active this pregnancy than I was my last we actually went to the Wisconsin state fair yesterday, ate a fair amount of, you know, cheese and corn and all that good stuff. Good old cheese. Yeah. Oh, gotta do it. Gotta do it. And it was, it was a lot, a lot of walking too. You know. I think I had like 12 or 13,000 steps, which is awesome. Hopeful. But that's, yeah, and we're winding down now, summer. I mean, we still got, you know, a couple of weeks. We've got like a parent night and we've got a staff presentation coming up. But yeah, we're kind of shifting back into that mode of, of work. How's everything going for you?
VICTOR
Everything is, it's going pretty well. My daughter got her wisdom teeth taken out a couple of days ago. She, it was very interesting. We, they give you a couple of choices and, and one of them is to be knocked out. The other one is to just do the nitrous and, and the shots. Well, they tried to do the nitrous and the shots, but I guess, and they, they give her something to relax, and I guess she was having a hard time with it. I don't if I told you any of that, but
DEANNA
No, you didn't because I, I said I got knocked out for mine 'cause I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Did they end up knocking her out?
VICTOR
Yeah, so we went back there and, and you know, she was, and she wasn't, she was getting comfortable, but not enough where they could start the, the surgery. So he's like, we can still knock her out. That's an option. And, and so they did. And that's, it went by, it went real fast after that. But she's, she's doing well. She's, you know re recouping pretty well. And, and, you know, it's, it's interesting though, but she's, she wasn't feeling any pain in the beginning, but now she's getting, getting more pain. Yeah. So that's kind of happening. But what we wanted to talk about today, and this is something we've been working on all week, is when we go to schools, for those of you that don't know, we do programs and create curriculum that help kids stay safe from unsafe touch. That's one aspect of it.
We do all types of body safety curriculum, but part of our, our, our offering when we go to schools is to do something that requires the parents to, to have the opportunity to be involved. And that is in the form of live presentations, live stream presentations, or just, just videos that we create to, to educate the parents. And so we've been working on those. 'cause We have to up update them every couple of years. And it's, it's just, it's really great because it gives parents, again, we call it peace of mind because they're learning about a very difficult topic. And a lot of them are, are, to be honest, afraid of and fearful and apprehensive because they're not sure how this is going to be you know, how, how, how it's gonna be brought to their students, especially when they show up. And they're representing a kindergarten who's five years old, first grade, six years old.
And so we, we try to, to, to provide a message that's very appropriate and to give them peace of mind. So the, the whole idea today is, is we talk about healing every day. Just the idea that we can provide this for parents because, and Deanna's gonna go into this more, but trying to break that cycle of, you know, parents not really knowing what this is all about. And and I can talk about growing up with my parents and how we didn't really talk about it, but it's really it feels good to be able to share this with parents. I would say, you know, 98% of the parents really understand what we're talking about from the perspective of, wow, this is appropriate. And, and they, they give it a thumbs up. But there's always a few that are just kind of like, you know, and, and I'm respectful of that. We are learning that to be respectful of where people are. But it, it really helps us to get that message across and so that they can have their conversations with their kids when they see the presentation. So today's podcast is really about how amazing it is, is when you are involved with your children's lives and as much as you possibly can. 'cause I'm still working on that in, in my life with my three kids. But we can talk about that. So what, what are your thoughts?
DEANNA
Yeah, and I, I had mentioned to Victor about doing a podcast focusing on this just because I know a lot of our audience members are parents, or at least have kids, nieces and nephews in their lives that they wanna keep safe as well. And, you know, on, on, or earlier this week we got together and we really wanted to create this, this updated parent video that didn't just include, you know, what we're gonna talk about in the curriculum, but really show the parents what we do for the kids. You know? So it was, it was really cool. It was really cool. 'cause I get a, I get a little nervous getting in front of camera, not for Zoom, not for necessarily live streaming, although there's always that feeling. But to record our content in the studio, like with a little recorder two, like, right, Victor, isn't it almost a little intimidating, right? It's so different.
Well, it is different, but you know, of course we've had practice with all the live streaming we've been doing the last few years. But yeah, it's, you know, you got the lights, you got the camera and your, you know, normally in the past we would, well, we still do, but we would be in person with parents. But these videos are very important because a lot of schools don't have us come in or have us live stream, so we have to make it as though we're talking to the parents face to face. And so that can be a little intimidating. But I will say this, for everyone's listening, Deanna actually had less edits than I had. You,
DEANNA
That's not the, that's the first time that's ever happened though.
VICTOR
Like, I, I had a lot of different segments, but you had, like, there's one clip that's done. I had to go through it. Of course, there were a couple little things I had to fix, but nothing, nothing major. Anyway I digress. But, but these videos I think are so important because again, we wanna give every opportunity for parents to, to be a part of their child's life and, and their education. And because it's such a difficult topic by law, the, the schools have to give the parents that opportunity. But also too, I mean, we, we've had parents watch, just like we've had teachers watch and parents connect mm-hmm. . And, and what it does is, I think ultimately it reinforces the importance of this, of this curriculum, but also it, it reinforces the fact that that parent maybe is an opportunity for them to get more involved in the, you know, because sometimes we go on automatic pilot. I mean, sometimes parents are like, really, really, like, you can't do this. You can't do that. They're very overprotective. And again, I'm not judging one way or the other. I'm just saying there are parents that are really protective and there are other parents that maybe don't think about it as much. So we're trying to find that middle ground of what's best for, for, for the parent, you know?
DEANNA
Yeah. And I mean, like, when I, I don't know, I feel like when we're doing live parent nights, when we're doing even livestream parent nights where it's live, just not in person, I feel like, I don't know, there's, there's more room for error. Not that we make mistakes, but when we're doing it on to, to film these, like, this is not us in person with these parents. Like, there's always an opportunity to ask questions with us afterwards. I just wanted to be so good. And, and so like, if I was sitting in the audience watching a video, I would wanna just feel that this is exactly right. I'm getting all the education. And, and I think that comes through when, when they watch our videos and stuff. And so I feel that there was like, there's like this extra level of expectation by speaking to parents and, and guardians as opposed to speaking to kids.
Like with kids, I feel so a hundred percent confident, right? But then with parents, I'm like, they got fully developed brains. They may not, not understand why we are doing this. They may believe in myths and things like that. And, and there may be parents that are coming in this with no background whatsoever, and just we're educating them. And so I feel like that is such a level of expectation, and I wanna meet it for them. And, you know, I, I mentioned to Victor before we started the podcast today, you know, relating this back to healing every day. You know, my, my parents were my abusers, so, okay. My parents, even if something like this was offered, it wouldn't have made a difference, right? Because they were the abusers, you know? But to go and be able to educate parents, guardians, caregivers on this, to protect other kids, I find that to be so healing.
I find that they are the ones that are like the gatekeepers of children in the home on the way to school, in the car. They're, they're the ones who were tucking his kids into bed at night. These are the ones that are giving permission for kids to go on sleepover, spend time with their friends, extracurriculars, you know, like, go to overnight camp. There's so many things. And, and to be able to give this to parents, I'm like, well, I feel like we're doing so much in order to protect these kids, not just in a presentation at school, although that's so important. There's another layer to it. And I, I just, I feel like I feel so proud of that. And I, and you had a different experience growing up with your parents, right? Because I, you know, your parents, you know, again, your dad was your dad and, you know, things like that, but your parents weren't like my parents. And so I think you can view it in a different way. Like you're breaking the cycle of educating adults,
VICTOR
Right? Yeah. Well, yeah. My father was a, a different type of abuser in the sense of he, well, he drank so much, but he also, then he got really violent and, and it was very, very challenging. So from that perspective, like, he didn't think, first of all, he didn't think he was doing anything wrong, or if he did, he wasn't willing to, to take ownership of it. But, but if this letter would've come home to them saying, Hey, we're gonna have this education at school putting aside his issues, I, I and my mom, mom was very soft spoken and all that. I think it would've made a, a big difference. But because no one ever did this, no one, again, you don't know what you don't know. And, and I think abuse obviously was happening probably just as much as it's happening today.
Mm-Hmm. , but no one ever talked about it. And we, and that's what we did in our family. We would sweep everything under the carpet. I mean, I, I mean, I talk the things that my father did, I talk like it was normal mm-hmm. because it was my normal, if I brought it up to somebody who never experienced an alcoholic parent and told the things that, there's things I haven't even shared with you. Right. But if I said those things to these people, they would be like, oh my, I can't, oh, it's, it's unbelievable. But it was my norm. So again, there was no reason to talk about it with anybody because it was something I just, I thought everyone experienced it. We never really, you know, of course I would go to my friend's homes and I didn't see it there, and I never really questioned that.
But yeah, I, I, I think where we're at today, whatever, what, I mean, there's every mandate or every type of law or whatever that needs to be taught in schools, I, I believe there's a letter or some kind of communication that goes home that parents have the right to opt out. But I don't remember my parents ever, everything that was sent home to my parents was permission, permission for a field trip, permission for, you know, whatever. But I, I think, I just think that it's real. Yeah. We're breaking the cycle. We are able to have these conversations now, which makes me feel really, really great. Because I think the more we have it out in the open if, if anything is happening, it'll be, it, it, it will give the courage to the kids and, and parents for that matter to talk about it, you
DEANNA
Know? Yeah. And you know how, like, and I know we've said this before, how, when we're in front of kids in, in an audience, we imagine eight year old Victor, right? Or, you know, little girl, Deanna. So like, we're, we're getting something out of it on top of already doing good by educating on this. It's the same thing for parents. When I'm talking to parents, I wanna talk to them as if I am sitting in the audience, and I wanna be as educated as possible. I wanna be that safe, trusted, adult trusted hero. And I just wanna make sure that I'm doing everything in my power to arm my child with this knowledge to protect them. Because there is nothing anyone can do to 100% eradicate the risk. It's just not realistic. Victor, you can't do it. I, it's, it has taken me time to accept that I can't do it.
I mean, as much, unless you bubble your kid. And that's unhealthy too, right? You not preparing them for the world, you know, there, there's always some form of risk when your kid goes out into the world and when your kid is with people and you're not there, right? But when I'm talking to these parents, I, I feel just this, like, we're doing more than, than just bare minimum. We're doing more than just going into a school, which again, it's not just, it's so important, but we also wanna make sure that long after the presentation is over, long after the kids have, you know, put it in the back of their mind. And long after that's done, they are still getting the reminders. They're still having these conversations or these check-ins. You know, I told you that the other day I was updating because, you know, our, our curriculums are not stagnant.
They're living and breathing, right? We're, we're always adding something in, or, or, or, you know, we've had feedback and we're like, oh my gosh, that's so awesome. I wanna put that in there. Right? So this summer was no different. We'd be updated things. So I'm sitting there updating my kindergarten, first, second grade program and K one, right? And I'm putting videos in, and my son had heard Victor present this summer. He was at something called Safety Town and heard the K one program. Now he's heard it a a ton of times before, right? And and, and he knows it, but he had just heard it from Victor recently. And so I'm sitting there and all of a, and my kid was playing Nintendo, right? Like, it's hard to peel your kid away from Nintendo. And he cut, he crawled over. He is like, play that again.
Play that again. And he is like, safe touch, unsafe, touch mommy. I wanna watch that video. And like, I felt so proud as a presenter, right? Because we stand by the work that we do, but also as a parent, like, oh my gosh, I'm equipped to sit here with my kid and have these conversations. I I can do this. I, he knows this stuff. He knew what was coming next. And like, if, if I feel that way as, as, as someone who implements this for a parent who maybe has little to no experience or, or is just uncomfortable, we're giving them those tools and an opportunity to continue to ask questions even after the programs are over. I just, the, the parent piece is so important. And I think that is gonna be a big difference between past generations and generations today, is just that ability to have conversations and to listen and to educate ourselves.
VICTOR
Yeah. And I think also by providing this information, it it's, it's giving parents permission to ask questions. Mm-Hmm. Now, unfortunately, we don't have huge turnouts when we're in person or live streaming. That's not always true. I mean, we'll have, sometimes the first year of schools districts will have a, a, a big group of parents, but relative to the population of the, of the school district, it's very small. That's okay. 'cause You have to start with one. And, and at the very least, those parents will then share with their friends of what's been going on. But I, I, I think that is it's, it's really great to give the parents the information so that they can be informed. But I, I'm noticing too, parents are not afraid to ask questions. And and then it's okay not to ask questions too. So, because I do think a lot of parents see our, our presentation, and they're just, they're connected to it.
I'm not saying they've experienced it, but they're connecting to the importance of it. And I mean, I'm, I'm proud. I know you're proud of what we've created. It's, it's really solid and it's done in such a, an appropriate way for, for kids. Let me ask you a question. Just, you know, we're talking on the subject of, of educating parents, but I was just thinking about this. You know, there are the, the, the mandate is this has to be taught every year. So we've created an ongoing curriculum that changes every year for the student as they get older. It, it raises their awareness at the level that they're at. But we've had students see our presentations for 3, 4, 5 years. And on the fourth or fifth year, they've disclosed, and let me put this on, I wanna ask you if you would've been that, you know, however old you were dealing with this, again, I, I, I forget exactly how old you were, but you had someone come in to educate and they brought it up. Would you have connected to it immediately? 'cause I'll answer the question too, but let me ask you first. Would you have been like, oh my gosh, this has happened to me? Oh, wait, I, I can tell someone besides my family. Mm-Hmm. . So answer that, I'm just curious.
DEANNA
Yeah. So I, I have kind of a blanket statement that I used for this, and then I'll go a little more specific. I always say, I don't know if I would've disclosed had I gotten this education as a kid, but I wasn't even given the chance because I don't know, I, I have no idea. But I wasn't given the opportunity to come forward 'cause the education wasn't there. Now, with that being said, I do think I would've come forward because as much as I did love my parents in the way that I could there was so much anger there. And there was, I, I remember having social workers and counselors and teachers who would, who would be there with me. And again, we can't ask specific questions, but I remember begging them in my, my heart and soul, ask me if something's happening at home, ask me if someone's touching me inappropriately, ask me.
Ask me. And they never did, because again, they can't. Right, right. And I, I, I truly believe that though, though my mom was the way that she was. And if, if you've never listened before, we, I've talked about her many times. You can go back to the very beginning of our podcast to hear my story and, and, and the role she played in my abuse and my siblings abuse. I think that had it come to light sooner and had a court process started when I was still a child, I think it would've forced her. I don't think it would've changed the fact that she blamed me. I don't think it would've changed the fact that she resented me and, and almost in a way felt that me and my sisters were other women. I think that she would've saved her own skin and, and immediately gone against him.
You know? That being said, I, I do, I would like to think that had I had someone like you or me, or, you know, I, I talked about my friend Jess, who's an amazing presenter too, had someone like that come and, and talk to me and shown me that it's okay to talk about, and, and I say this a lot to tell someone else, I do believe e whether it was immediately or a little bit delayed, I did not like where I lived. I felt trapped. And if I had known that there was a, a route out of that, I, I do believe I would've asked for help. I trusted so many people, I just didn't know I could trust them with that specifically.
VICTOR
Yeah. Wow. I for me, thinking about my story, because yeah, I, I don't think I would've said anything right away, only because I was taught to be seen and not heard. My father, when he would say that to me, he was basically saying, you know, just, we don't talk about your feelings. You know, boys don't cry, all that. And I was constantly being reminded, Hey, this that's happening in our house. We're not gonna talk about it again. We swept it under the carpet. So I was conditioned and programmed. Now, I could have gone against it and said, wait a second, but I'm, I'm having a hard time understanding this. But I learned it a very young age for five years old, that we don't talk about our problems. And so I never did, no matter what it was. I mean, it took for my father to hit rock bottom a couple of times before he started going to the hospital and inpatient and, and working on his, his addiction, where we actually started talking about this with counselors and things like that. So yeah, I think eventually I would have I had incredible, I mean, I can name off most of my teachers from when I was a kid. And, and you know, one had come to my wedding in 2003,
DEANNA
Stop it. That is so sweet. Wait, your, your destination wedding.
VICTOR
Yeah, he he had been, I think he was on the verge of retiring, and I think he did retire. He moved to Vegas and invited him to, to the wedding. And he came, him and his wife came. So,
DEANNA
Oh my God. Stop. That is so cute. Yeah.
VICTOR
So it was great. It was great. And, and we we're still in touch now. But yeah, it's very interesting that that would have you know, I had the people to talk to. I just didn't have the courage or, or the permission to speak up. Like you said, if someone would've come to me and say, is everything okay at home? Is everything okay in your life? It, you know, we never really talked about it in school either. It was math, science, and PE and all that stuff. So, yeah.
DEANNA
Yeah. And, and again, we can't, we can't force kids to, to talk about it, nor would we want to, that that increases the risk of recanting or, or taking back a story because it's scary. And, and one of the other reasons why I feel like as a child, I would not have told immediately is that shame, embarrassment. That self blame the love that I had for these people. You know, all, all of those different layers. But again, hearing it year after year is such an important piece that even if you have parents like mine, you know, where, where they would never have shown up to a parent night like this, or if they did, it would've been purely to say, well, we did these things. We, how could we possibly be abusers if we showed up to this? That would've been my parents. Right?
Like, I remember like when we were in the middle of the trial, my dad even put in his LinkedIn 'cause he got fired from his job. 'cause He got arrested there and then tried to take money to get bail. That's another story. But he had updated his LinkedIn and in his LinkedIn in the middle of a criminal trial for sexual abuse against his own daughters, he put that he was trained in sexual abuse prevention through the Boy Scouts. Please. Like, they, they, they would've been that way. However, even even having parents like that, and, and I know this is all about parental, parental education, parents inherently are involved with kids, their parents, right. The parental education also bleeds into staff members. It bleeds into the community, into the, the culture of the school. I'm a good listener. I do love to talk. It's too much sometimes, but I, I am good at listening and soaking up information.
I don't think I would've caught it right away, but I think at some point before I turned, you know, 14 before I got into high school, when, when I got into high school, that was the big secret keeping, that's when it got really, really bad as far as being shamed and blamed. I do think that at some point in middle school, I would've talked about it. 'cause I was talking about like the food deprivation, the sleep deprivation, the, you know, I was going to counselors and talking about that. Now were they handling it properly? No, but I knew that I could talk about stuff like that. I just didn't know I could talk about that specific thing. Right. You know, so yeah, the, the education for kids and, and, and guardians and stuff and staff members, it is such a crucial piece to this. It really is. It reinforces it.
VICTOR
Right. And I think one thing that I would love to share is, is, and again, this is just what works for me is that I am a firm believer of, of looking at my past, of my, my parents who I, I love very, very much. And we, you know, we have, we had a, a very overall good upbringing. It wasn't always violent, believe me. But that's kind of what I remember as a child. Right. But I think ultimately they taught me to do the opposite. In some capacities, there's things that I would, we can do a whole thing on what I would've Yep. Like what I've learned from my parents in a positive way, right? So yeah, a hundred percent. But from the, I'm talking about the, the, the negativity and, and the, and the way in which they wanted, you know, not my mom so much, but just my dad, like, don't talk about your feelings. I learned from that and I promised myself that I would not be that way with my kids. So I, every so often will, if I'm one-on-one with them, I'll say, Hey, if you, how's everything going? I always say that you good . I
Just got me into trouble at sometimes in my life, but no, with my kids. Are you good? That's just two words. You good meaning like, I'm here for you. But I'm very deliberate about it now. Like, I, I don't, I, I want my kids to be able to come to me and share, Hey dad, can I talk to you about this? Because I, I'd rather have them come to me than someone else. Or, you know, again, they're getting older, they're gonna go to their friends. I respect that. But I want them to know, I'd rather have them come to me and if they know that I'm gonna be upset about something, that's just the reality of it. Right? But also that they can trust me that I'm going to be there for them unconditional love. And I always, I say that to them. I go, listen, if you ever need to talk about anything, I don't care what it is, you can always come to me now. I can't guarantee you how I'm gonna respond. However, we're gonna work it out.
DEANNA
And we're human. We're human. Right? We're human. So there, there's times where I say something even to my six year old that I'm like, wow, I really wish that I hadn't responded that way. You know, or, or wow, I'm gonna have to walk back that and apologize. You know, there was one morning where my son had, I didn't yell at him about closing this, the door wrong, I swear. But he had opened the sliding glass door and we were about to leave the house. And both dogs got out, which just to our backyard. But they like to play the chase game. They know we're leaving the house. And I'm like, Harry, come on bud. Like I told you. Gotta close the door behind you. And he's like, well, I'm, I'm sorry. I'm like, dang man. He's six and he's learning. And he's under like, he's, he's now allowed to go out in the backyard and play when we're in house.
'Cause It's, it's all closed off. It's fenced, it's out. But he can be a little more independent and play outside. But that's new. Like being able to open the door and close the door behind himself, it seems like common sense. But he's never really had the permission to just go in the backyard. So, so like, yes, we're human and, and my response is not always great. It's not. And so giving that grace to ourselves too, right. But also, yeah, it's, it's okay that to make a mistake and then to also own up to it. I can't always guarantee I'm gonna respond the way that I would like to. I can't guarantee that I'm always gonna say and do the right thing. And neither are these parents who are er, educating. You know, I've had parents that, that come on these parent nights and say, wow, when my kid disclosed to me.
'Cause You know, sometimes we have parents who already have children who are survivors. I got so angry and I showed them my anger, not necessarily at them, but I didn't know that I should have remained neutral. And I go, yeah, absolutely. And, and I'm so proud of you for coming here and sharing that with me tonight. And that just know, we know better. We do better. I do the same. I know better and do better now too. And so, yeah, doing this podcast today again, it's all about, it's all about healing every day. Right? And I know we talk about work a lot here, but our work is so personal to us. I know that's not for everybody, but for us it is our, our, our work is so much more than just our work. It is our lifeline to changing the world.
VICTOR
Yeah, a hundred percent. And I think what you said was spot on in that , we all can raise our hands of this. It's just about giving ourselves grace because in life, like things are gonna happen that we, you know, we can't control or things are gonna happen that we can control. And maybe we, we, we learn from it. And that's how you have to do it, right? Because, you know, there's times I react to my kids and they're my world, but you've taught me this. Just because I react one time doesn't define who I am as a parent. It's true. And, and it's one time, you know, and you can learn from that and you can, you can grow from there. And so, yeah. I, I love, I love today's this topic because I, I think parents you know, they are already kind of automatically part of their children's lives. You know, it's like, so they're, they're already, you know, being a part of their lives and they're doing what they feel is best for them. And all you can do is just keep moving forward and just keep learning from, you know, again, true nobility. I don't wanna be better than I was. I don't want to be better than you, but I wanna be better than I was yesterday. You know? And, and everyone does what they can do the best way they can and just keep learning from it.
DEANNA
Yep. Absolutely. There's a podcast I wanna do coming up where I can have a, like a jot form, you know, where I can put it into my, my profile and stuff. And I can ask people can ask us questions and we can answer it in the podcast. I would, you know, also yeah. And, and it could be about parenting. And, and I'm not an expert on parenting, but as far as our area of expertise goes, it could be questions about our stories. I just feel like we haven't, we haven't done one of those, I think since we went to Minnesota where we had kind of an interactive live. I know we had our guest a couple, you know, a month or so back. But I think it'd be really cool to, to do something like that and just to have a little interaction with everybody. You know, we're, we're heading back into the school year and I know there's a couple of guests that we've thought reach out you know, just to give an opportunity for us to have, you know, interaction with other people besides just me and Victor. Although I know y'all love to hear from us.
VICTOR
Oh yeah. A hundred percent . Alright, everyone, thank you so much for listening today. Please share this with your family and friends and as always, be present, be playful, be powerful,
DEANNA
And be happy. Be healthy. Be safe.
VICTOR
Bye.
